Hello Selfish,

I never thought I would be brave enough to discuss this out loud. A secret I have carried for years now. A pain that feels like a lifetime.

I know YOU have no clue what you really did to me. YOU only thought about yourself.

That night YOU thought it was okay to force yourself on me.

YOU thought because we had been on a few dates that it was time.

YOU thought YOU would let yourself in my house even though I told YOU I was fine and didn’t need YOU to.

YOU thought it was okay to touch every inch of my body, even though I had never let YOU even kiss me yet.

When I pulled away, YOU asked me why I didn’t like kissing.

YOU thought that because YOU knew me, YOU could do this.

I asked YOU to at least wear a condom, because I knew what was happening wouldn’t stop.

YOU ignored the fact that I just laid there.

YOU invited yourself into my body, when it is the last thing I ever wanted from YOU.

YOU were fidgety and awkward.

And in that night YOU destroyed ME.

I spent days replaying each word and motion over in my head.

I spent months regretting ever knowing YOU.

I was tormented by it.

I lost myself.

I felt betrayed.

I blamed myself for forcing myself to get to know YOU even though my gut told ME there was no chemistry between us.

I was angry at every relationship I had because it somehow led ME to that awful night.

Months later I confronted you.

YOU admitted to taking the condom off.

YOU claimed “I wanted to see what it felt like”

YOU said “I thought we were going to be together”

To further disgust ME, YOU said “You never even told me what you thought about that night. Was it good? Was I big?”

YOU know what it was? RAPE.

It took me a long time to say that.

So long that I spent months having panic attacks.

How was that night? It was the change of me forever.

It was the night YOU made choices for ME and my body.

It was the reason I started therapy.

It’s the reason  I am on Zoloft.

It is the reason that I have nightmares even when I just take a nap.

It is the reason that I sat for months in doctors appointments scared that that was going to be the time they told me you gave me a disease.

It’s the reason I constantly worry that that one night could have forever changed my body.

Its the reason I fear that I could have been made unclean for my future husband.

It’s the reason I fear dating.

It a story that I dread having to tell a future love.

It’s a night that only 1 friend even knows existed.

It’s a secret that I forever feel branded with.

It’s a night that I wish I did something about.

I wish there was a second in which I could have stopped you.

It would have changed the course of my life.

It would have saved ME from what I became after.

It is my torment.

It made ME not recognize myself.

YOU see, YOU have no clue what YOU have done. YOU make my skin crawl. YOU broke me. But YOU did not see ME that night. YOU saw only what you wanted. YOU did not see the pain YOU were causing. YOU only saw what YOU could get. YOU only cared about YOU. But it is ME that suffers. It is ME that feels ruined. It is ME that carries hate and fear. It is ME that has to sit here and type this in an attempt to find some kind of relief from what YOU did. What YOU did to ME made ME hate myself too. It made ME no longer want to be ME. YOU destroyed ME in just one night. In just selfish moment.

YOU did that.

Signed,

ME.