“No. No, I’m not”. The answer immediately appeared in my mind. And I have thought of it every day since then. One of my good friends sent me a blog post about getting over your own Fatophobia.  That’s not a real word, but that is how the writer described how she missed out on life because she felt she was too fat. And in reading this blog post, I was completely confronted with the fact that I hide myself in life too. Was I hiding because of my weight? Because of my fears? Because I’m afraid of heartbreak? I’m not sure but that one phrase hit me like a ton of bricks, “I’m not really dating”. Without a doubt, that is me. I’m not really giving anyone a chance. I’m not giving myself. People suggest online dating and I quickly refuse. I have a plethora of excuses why. I brave Tinder. I have had a few online conversations with men, but as soon as I get asked to meet up or give my phone number I quickly retreat. I have allowed just 3 men total my number and only 1 of them I would really respond too. I would purposely ignore text or take hours to respond. I would ignore Tinder for weeks and just get on there when I was suddenly motivated or finding myself feeling lonely. I wasn’t really trying to date. But why?

This is probably why I always date friends. It’s safe. It’s easy. I lie to myself and say things like “they grow on me” or “I’m big on personality so I have to be around someone a while to see if we have chemistry”. It’s all lies. It’s because it’s safe. It eliminates rejection. It eliminates exposing myself. They already know me. They see me. They know I’m fat. They know I’m all kinds of fucked up. And they wanted to be with me anyways. There is no facing something new or forcing myself out there. It’s the easy route. The safe route. The route of least fear. And as I type this, I am aware that it is a sad route. An ineffective route. As I lay here in bed typing, feeling safe in my own bubble, my safe haven, my aloneness, I’m aware that I don’t even know how to date. I don’t know who to be in dating. I’ve forgotten how to share my life with someone. I don’t even have a desire to date. I am so blocked that I have convinced myself that this is better. Solitude. But is it? I don’t even know anymore. Because I don’t know what the other side truly feels like, since I have refused to really date.

And now I must confront the why. I must confront what I really want. I must confront what I am really blocking. Because, as a woman who appears so free and confident out in the world, I am completely shaken up by the fact that I am not really dating. If that question has shaken me every day since I read it, then I must confront it. And I must confront it to change it. At 34, I must learn why I need to really date.